jodie's playground

the jar

2011-11-14T19:44:00.000-06:00

it is here, all around me...if only i could capture it. bottle it up, like the fireflies in june. poke tiny holes in the lid of the old mason jar, allow it to breathe...to stay alive for everyone to enjoy.

but you can't bottle it. i want to believe it's too big for that. it would fill the jar and spill out over the edge...honey thick, running down the sides. the welling-up comes again...so much kindness, so much love.

it is here, all around me.

let it in...

2011-10-24T12:26:00.000-05:00

from an old journal excerpt:

love is my most powerful weapon against fear, anxiety, depression...

and i have a great deal available to me,

if i only let it in.

35 by 35...

2011-08-23T22:06:00.000-05:00

my cousin katie and i for our birthdays in 2010

okay, so i wrote this in my sweet little moleskine over a month ago {the big day was 7.20} and it's finally making it to the screen. here we go....

go to blanco tx - antiques
participate in ARToberFEST
make s'mores at the beach
take salsa lessons again with d
go to the drive-in in ennis
write 5 chapters of my memoir
finish my death/dying course
bake x-mas cookies with mom/geg
read one book a month {minimum}
do a triathlon with my sister
fly a kite
go to dewberry farm
make tamales with my mother-in-law
spend the weekend in wimberley
go to schlitterbahn
celebrate my 3rd anniversary of being smoke-free
get my bike fixed
submit an article for publication
find a local Nia class
make my {famous} tiramisu
attend a book reading
create a lovely outdoor space
sustain my writers group
watch my dreads start to grow again
catch a fish on my father-in-law's boat
learn everything i can about hospice social work
go to the rainforest at moody gardens
buy a new lens for my camera
create a CEU presentation
go to an outdoor concert
take a romantic getaway with d
recycle more
get a pedicure
go to new mexico in the RV
be brave.

cool off...

2011-08-09T08:45:00.001-05:00

good morning

2011-08-08T06:56:00.002-05:00

love.

2011-06-07T22:17:00.000-05:00

Love is an act of endless forgiveness, a tender look which becomes a habit. ~Peter Ustinov

swerve

2011-06-01T14:26:00.000-05:00

as i was trying to decide how to write what i've been feeling lately, i started looking through my archives for a photo to go along with the post. the image above was taken over a year ago on a glorious spring day when my husband went to a conference on the SMU campus and i wandered around with my camera. this sculpture is actually a moving art piece...it squiggles along like a snake above the water. when i went to name the image for this post i immediately typed swervy {i am notorious for making up words}. and in doing this, i instinctively typed swerve in my google search bar to find the definition. here is what merriam-webster had to say:

{Synonym Discussion of SWERVE}

swerve, veer, deviate, depart, digress, diverge...to turn aside from a straight course. swerve may suggest a physical, mental, or moral turning away from a given course, often with abruptness. veer implies a major change in direction. deviate implies a turning from a customary or prescribed course. depart suggests a deviation from a traditional or conventional course or type. digress applies to a departing from the subject of one's discourse. diverge may equal depart but usually suggests a branching of a main path into two or more leading in different directions.

i continue to find it amazing how the universe puts everything right where i need it, at the exact moment in which i need it. yesterday morning i woke up lazy and stayed in bed to read while d was getting ready for work. it was a book i started months ago, and abandoned when i no longer needed it, but picked up again recently. it is titled writing as a way of healing, by louise desalvo {whose blog is great too}. the words poured into my parched soul, overflowing my writer's heart with joy. i spent most of the morning working on timelines for my memoir and blissfully focused on writing.

then last night, i cried in bed. i was tired and overwhelmed and anxious and irritated. i was freaking out about our {summer adventure}, money and jobs and "irresponsible behavior." i was the polar opposite of the joyful creative soul of only 12 hours prior. and the fact that my mood could swing so wide in the course of a day was making me even more frustrated. but after a good cry and talking it through with david, i realized something i have known for a long time.

taking the road less traveled isn't supposed to be easy. sometimes, going against the grain can cut you wide open. and in those moments when my dreams are so close i can feel their breath warm on my face, it can be really damn scary. i think i was crying for the path i am leaving, the sharp turn i have made in the direction of my wildest dreams. i am anticipating the bumps ahead, blazing this trail so few have traveled before me. i am gathering the support i will need and the tools necessary to navigate the ever-changing terrain.

watch me while i swerve.

dreadlock love

2011-05-27T10:31:00.000-05:00

i haven't done a dreadlock post since i first got them...mostly because i've been doing youtube videos of my progress and haven't really had much to WRITE about them. but today i do. one of my artist lovelies, connie at dirty footprints, recently cut off her dreads...just about the time i was falling deeply in love with mine. i adore what she wrote in her post {alongside the most incredible self portrait sketch} "sometimes hair is just hair."

i've been thinking a lot about this journey i've been on to find my true path and live my authentic life...it sounds all oprah-y onscreen, but it is truly how i've felt over the past year. when i decided to commit to dreadlocks i hoped that they would teach me about patience, about trusting the process, about the spiritual journey toward truth.

but some days, they're just a mess of knotty hair.

i have learned to love all their loopy madness, the frizz and itchies, and altogether craziness. i have learned {again} that life is beautiful in its imperfection, that although i still get anxious about the future, i still worry and obsess and become impatient for everything RIGHT NOW...it will all work out in the end. i trust that in a few years i will have gloriously imperfect locks, that i will have finished the book, that life will still be messy and i'll still have to tell myself to breathe when the yucks come rushing in.

i am only two months into my dreadlock growth...i have a long road ahead of me. i know that it is just hair. but i also secretly hope that i can take all this love i feel for them today and spread it out into the world.

2011-05-26T17:08:00.000-05:00

things that tingle my happy places....

pelicans soaring along the bridge

blue moon drafts with an orange slice

climbing the tree along the highway

fresh paint

the smell of charcoal from the grill

no line at the post office

reconnecting with my inner student

super dooper dreadlock loops

legs dangling over the seawall, licking ben & jerry's off the same spoon as my baby

a hug from my patient when i leave the house

driving along the ocean, windows open wide

painted toenails

shaking my booty at Nia dance class

ripe raspberries that remind me of grandpa

i am not a monster...

2011-05-18T22:08:00.000-05:00

i have been wanting to go to the rosenberg library since we moved to galveston...and finally had the chance to go! i was just wandering the memoir section (my mind and reading habits are all in one place these days!)...and stumbled on My Invented Country by Isabel Allende. i was having a really rough day and decided i needed a glass of wine and a seat overlooking the crashing waves with my lovely new book. i could not have prepared myself for what she said to me in those few moments of peace...

from My Invented Country:

Once I heard a famous Afro-American writer say that from the time she was a little girl she felt like a stranger in her family and her hometown. She added that nearly all writers have experienced that feeling, even if they have never left their native city. It's a condition inherent in the profession, she suggested; without the anxiety of feeling different, she wouldn't have been driven to write. Writing, when all is said and done, is an attempt to understand one's own circumstance and to clarify the confusion of existence, including insecurities that do not torment normal people, only chronic non-conformists, many of whom end up as writers after having failed in other undertakings. This theory lifted a burden from my shoulders. I am not a monster; there are others like me.

time flies...

2011-05-15T20:15:00.000-05:00

i cannot possibly believe that it's been almost a month since my last post! i've been writing almost every day and taking pictures and so much is going on...but i just haven't (wanted to?) taken the time to post. so...in an effort to recap on all the goodness of the past month, i'm going to include some pictures of the things i've been inspired by and my latest dreadlock update. enjoy!

my niece...

the color we chose for our bedroom in the RV....

and the sunsets....i am absolutely enamored by the sunsets.

life is good.

truth challenge #7

2011-04-20T10:05:00.006-05:00

someone who's made my life worth living for...

i never really felt that i'd been depressed throughout my grief. at least not in the way it hit me last year. there were multiple times i felt like i just wanted to be dead--not suicidal ideations, i could never kill myself--but rather a longing to have all the chaos and anxiety end. but david would always come home, pull me out of bed and find something to lift me out of the depths of my own misery. the well was so deep some days i felt like that toddler who fell down the long shaft...the police and fireman who finally saved her. those days he was my reason for living...the love i felt for him outweighing the pull to the other side. i knew it would hurt him too much if i were gone. i was able to overcome some of the anxiety by focusing on the future we were planning together. when we would dream those big dreams, i could see beyond the depression which had hijacked my mind.

truth challenge #6

2011-04-19T09:40:00.000-05:00

something i hope i never have to do...

bury david. the other day we were at the grave of one of his mentors--who died very young--and D started talking about his funeral wishes. i am very familiar with funerals and end-of-life decision making...i'm a medical social worker. i am also preparing to start working as a hospice social worker, so it's not like this stuff makes me uncomfortable. it's just that i know i can't lose another person close to me. i used to worry when we first got married that something would happen to him. it doesn't cross my mind as often now, but it's still there when i see a young widow or read about another 30 year old with cancer. i just can't go through planning another funeral while i'm young. i hope i never have to be alone...

truth challenge #5

2011-04-18T08:33:00.006-05:00

something i hope to do in my life….

publish my memoir. this should be obvious since it has been the one thing i've been talking incessantly about and the entire focus of my daily writing practice. it is also the one thing i have been consistent at over the past months. i have written more than i have exercised, which is generally the one constant for me. sometimes i daydream that i am being interviewed about the book. i plan out my press tour, visualize myself signing autographs after a reading in a quaint bookshop somewhere out east. i can see the book in my hands, feel its weight—the part of me which has been released from inside and brought forth into the world. i guess i see why people say it's like giving birth to a child, you have to put so much into it—carry it with you for months (years!) and finally it comes to the universe whole, for others to see. i am not as focused on the success of the book, but only on the connections. i yearn for others to read about my experience and see their lives reflected in the pages. these universal themes we all experience as humans are what bring us closer together. i crave that type of interaction with my readers someday.

truth challenge #4

2011-04-17T11:14:00.005-05:00

something i must forgive someone for…

the first person i think of is my dad, but what am i forgiving him for? i don't think he's sorry for being an asshole, i don't think he'd ever apologize for being such a jerk an d hurting my feelings. i'm not sure if this is just his personality or his grief or alcoholism. at a certain point i just stopped caring enough to try and figure it out. do i need to forgive him for being thoughtless or uncaring or selfish or rude? the same could go for those friendships i left in the past because they couldn't fulfill my expectations. do i forgive cara for hurting me so badly when i really needed unconditional support and caring from my friends? i am also thinking about andrew witt…but i will never forgive him for what he did. i don’t believe in that type of forgiveness—what he did is unconscionable, and deserves no forgiveness.

truth challenge #3

2011-04-16T10:02:00.008-05:00

something i must forgive myself for…

i'm trying to think of something, i guess i need to forgive myself for putting so much pressure to be perfect. to get everything done—to be the perfect wife, social worker, to be healthy and creative and fulfill my life's goals. i need to forgive myself for the unrealistic expectations i placed on myself. i'm finding this question hard to answer…is it supposed to be a mistake i made, something that hurt me, it's weird to look at it that way. maybe it's for being so demanding, and then beating myself up for not getting it all accomplished?

jodie, i forgive you for being a slave-driver, for creating mountain-high TO DO lists and big dreams that were impossible to achieve in the time you allotted to do so.

truth challenge #2

2011-04-15T09:27:00.001-05:00

something i love about myself…

my smile. it's always the feature i get the most compliments on, and it's the one thing i do well. well, not the only thing, but i take pride in the fact that i walk down the street, look people in the eye and smile or say hello as i pass. i've noticed people just don't do this much anymore. with their heads down—texting on their phone or distracted by the one attached to their ear—people just aren't friendly like they used to be. i never realized my smile had this effect on people until i sent an e-mail to my old department explaining that i was moving to a new position. about half the people who replied to the message mentioned something about missing my smile. i know that after jamie died this stopped. i didn't walk down the street smiling at strangers. i didn't hold the door open to let them pass. i didn't look people in the eye and say hello. this was just another reason i knew i wasn't myself…it just didn't feel natural not to be smiling.

truth challenge #1

2011-04-14T18:26:00.000-05:00

something i hate about myself…

i hate that i get so worked up sometimes and can't get out of it…like this horrifying downward spiral of anger and verbal diarrhea. i hate when i say things i don't mean when i'm feeling overwhelmed and depressed and hurt. i hate that i get so anxious i can barely breathe and sometimes rather than do my breathing exercises or go for a walk or write in my journal or call a friend—i just wallow in it. i hate that these emotions have the ability to paralyze me…literally and figuratively. but the thing i hate most is the anger. it fuels most of the other emotions and makes me a bad wife, daughter, employee. i hate that i can't just shut up and do the things i KNOW i should do to calm myself down and feel joy again. i hate that i just yelled F*@# YOU! to a bug that almost flew in my mouth because i am feeling this way right now. i also hate that i don't know if this is something i always had (and am only now acutely aware of) or if it is a result of my grief. i hate myself in this funk.

**************

this is something i found on another blog...and apologize to its original creator, as i cannot seem to find it again! the challenge is to complete 30 questions in 30 days to start speaking our truth. it is something i believe i do with every post on this blog, but here's to answering some of the tough questions with brutal honesty...

be free.

2011-04-12T22:17:00.000-05:00

i made this video months ago, and couldn't get it to post directly from blogger. i totally forgot about it until tonight. hopefully it will be better quality through youtube!

inhale.

2011-04-06T11:39:00.000-05:00

today feels like this.

i want to be outside with my camera, but i am forced to take a photo walk through the archives. enjoy.

MOO.

2011-04-01T13:48:00.000-05:00

i got in a huge fight with my dad last weekend, and it has been weighing on me ever since. most of my life it has been this way...most of my life i have blown it off, pretended i didn't care, ignored the pain. it is becoming more and more difficult to carry this burden. i hate to think that each one of these arguments chips away at the relationship that was so strong through my childhood. the days following our argument, i found myself quoting him or thinking of something that he's (in)famous for and that pang of hurt bubbled up again. reviewing some of my journal entries, i came across this one.

***********

we're flying down the highway, dad ejecting a deep belly MOOOOO, the animals unmoved by his mocking at 65mph. i used to think it was funny as a kid, horrifying as a teenager, and in the past year--barreling through west texas--i may have been found doing a drive-by myself. like father, like daughter...how scary. and this is not the only way we are alike: we are more like the bulls butting heads than the pretty dairy cows from the butter commercials. the wild bull and his offspring...passionate, opinionated, proud.

bliss

2011-03-31T21:07:00.000-05:00

i get to see this every.single.night. it is by far my favorite time of the day. tonight, my love sat with me on a bench on the pier and snuggled under a blanket during the show.

journal pages

2011-03-29T15:00:00.000-05:00

i did a layout in my art journal from the other day's post and kinda love it. the kite string is precious...

in my wish jar...

2011-03-27T16:13:00.000-05:00

i want to dance with d and laugh at the movies and eat ice cream on the beach. i want to fly a kite and watch the sunset and bake cookies~no, rice krispie treats~and get a sugar high. i want to feel calm...not worry about debt or my to do list or the {shoulds} that are attacking my soul. i want simplicity, tea with honey and grilled chicken breasts over charcoal. i want pink lemonade and a long straw, kids on swings, and lots of art. i want to take pictures of beautiful things...and not-so-beautiful things...and drive fast with the windows down and sing LOUD. i want my sister back and my family back and i want to be seven at willow knolls and not know about 9-11 and murder and health insurance and pain. i want out {a get out of jail free card} a quiet place to write and read and hope and avoid reality. i want connection and understanding, a place where friends sit around the campfire sharing stories. i want comfort~the arms of my lover, my best friend~to be rocked gently to sleep and awaken anew.

scrawl

2011-03-22T16:28:00.000-05:00

sometimes i can't interpret my own writing when i read over the entries in my notebook. natalie goldberg says that her handwriting changes when she's really in the groove. i can see this now in my own writing practice; over the course of a few months i have filled two notebooks and when i'm truly in the zone...it is nearly illegible. i also find that when i read over the entries i barely remember the words that have been formed by my heart. writing as natalie has taught me, i don't use my brain. at least, not the part of my brain that tells me to cross my t's and use proper grammar. i just GO.

i've started writing on self-created prompts intended for use in my memoir. for 20-30 minutes at a stretch, i am submerged again in my grief, struggling to come up for air. i find myself dreaming now of death and loss; i rarely remember dreams usually, but these have been vivid in my hazy awakening. in one, it is me who is being stalked...a hit out for me and i am aware of the impending violence. last night, a second dream replayed my sister's death, but this time it was expected, a lengthy hospitalization or something. my family was all gathered together when the call came that she was gone. we still sat in disbelief.

it will be interesting to see how the coming months affect me emotionally, as i dig through lost memories of that dark time. it's been almost 7 years now...and i find it more and more difficult to remember that girl and what she must have been thinking. it's amazing how much is wiped from my memory, how our brain can protect us from trauma, yet leave gaping holes in our histories. i'm starting to paint again...above is a mixed media piece i worked on last weekend. i think my art goes hand-in-hand with the writing...some things just can't be expressed through words. i am remembering that i am a creative being, that our move to the island was to nurture that spirit inside of me. i am finally beginning to explore her more fully, to stretch into this space i have been granted and settle in for the long haul.

dreadlocks

2011-03-18T00:12:00.000-05:00

to me, they signify commitment--a journey toward truth, authenticity, a simpler life. in the past, dreadlocks have been linked to several religious movements; today many refer to their spiritual journeys when talking about the decision to dread. i believe for me, they will become a constant reminder to be patient while i find my way along this path. i've learned that they go through their own stages of growth, tightening and locking together, getting stronger and changing form. there will be days when they look crazy...and could take more than a year to become fully mature. i feel that this is precisely what i've been struggling with: the getting there. those times when i know exactly what i want and become obsessed with the destination, the outcome, that i forget about the moment in which i am immersed right now.

i believe that this commitment is one of many that i am making for the long haul. to get my PhD, to write my memoir--dreams that will not materialize overnight. no more instant gratification...i am committing to the life i've been talking about, the long winding road toward the future. i am choosing to begin a new path, to write the next chapter.

and to stop brushing my hair.

************

my husband actually put them in for me...over 10 hours of hard labor for these babies! you can check out a few photos from the process here.

take flight

2011-03-15T08:49:00.003-05:00

i will always remember my first big girl bike. specifically, that it was pink. and this surprises me, because i don't remember being a particularly pink kinda girl. but the bike was brand spankin' new and it was mine. it had a slick banana seat, patterned with miniature flowers and sparkles inside the shiny top coat. the handlebars had rubber grips and i'm pretty sure there were streamers bursting out from the ends. i had learned to ride on a bike with training wheels, but this beauty would never be bogged down with such childish accoutrements. this was only for girls who could hold it steady, push off with one foot, and churning the pedals faster…take flight.

beauty

2011-03-14T11:07:00.003-05:00

beauty cradled us in her magnificent arms, rocking slowly to the sounds of the sea, the glitter on the water.

restless extremes

2011-03-13T09:40:00.002-05:00

i carry a lot of polarities inside of me, always vying for attention, one slowly gaining ground only to be taken over by a surge in its opponents' strength. at this point in my life, it is my desire to become a full-time-bohemian-nomad, living a creative lifestyle vs. my financially responsible professional self who wants to be sure my resume can hold water in the future. this has been a constant struggle throughout my life.

i am a wanderer. i love new places, adventures, challenges, and i can't find them working a 9-5 job in an american city. i've known this since i was sitting in a cubicle in the offices of Carat ICG on michigan avenue. back then, i read articles of women adventurers, working as scuba instructors in exotic oceans across the globe. of business owners and travel writers and national geographic photographers. i envied them, yearned for the opportunity to live a life of excitement and adventure. to take the road less traveled by, to be daring, original, to blaze my own path. and i still do this—a dozen years later—craving the untraditional, eager to explore new possibilities, distant lands; seeking fresh ways to share my gifts, learn new skills, expand my mind.

these extremes have become much more apparent over the last three years, as i've been forced to reconcile my wild-child dreams with a marriage and a master's degree. my more stable husband is a study in rationalization, master of pro/con lists and back-up back-up plans. he leaves no room for unexpected contingencies. and after two years of study, i felt the need to actually use my social work degree, to work at a respectable job and make money. but the more i do so, the more i realize…this is not the life i was born to live.

mystery

2011-03-12T08:20:00.002-06:00

hayley had a large trampoline just outside her back door, which was always covered in leaves and sticks, strewn across the dark fabric. one day we brushed all the debris from the top and began to bounce. higher and higher until she captured something from the sky and brought it down to eye level. it was an ugly thing, dark in color, an almost circle. she encouraged me to collect one for myself; intrigued, i did as i was told and soared into the leaves to pluck one for myself. cross-legged on the warm surface, we cracked open our treasures and i discovered a grotesque collection of seeds inside. i had no idea what to do—believing mine was rotten, or not ripened yet—i frowned in disappointment at my selection. but as i peered over to hayley, the smile on her lips showed that this was not the case. ours were identical, and she quickly used her fingers like a spoon to scoop out the soft insides. i followed her lead and allowed the foreign flavors to tickle my tongue before crunching down on the tough seeds. i thought i might die of pleasure—the zing of the fruit, the warm australian evening, this exotic flavor dancing with my taste buds. "what is this?" i begged. her broad smile widened as she said "passion fruit."

loneliness

2011-03-11T09:11:00.002-06:00

loneliness. my eyes well up as i scribble the word on the page, surprised by it—not the tears, but the naming. it is odd as i feel them trickle down my nose and cheek. i suppose the aftershocks of so much emotion and searching and expectation. but what am i afraid of—this sharing of myself? why was i so scared to reach out, to admit i was lonely, that i needed more to fill my hollow heart?

my face feels hot, the mercury rising in this crowded room, tucked among strangers and new friends. the letting go i promised myself. the slow, aching steps toward healing. the cracking wide open—bleeding onto the page, the words blurry through my salt rimmed eyes. i want to write about heartbreak, my sister's little green urn, about emptiness and pain. i want to write about the long treacherous trail, the broken bones, the torn layers, the shattering of the life i knew. i want to feel it all, let it consume me, envelope me in its cozy mohair embrace. to nourish my cracked soul, fill in the tiny spaces with the nectar of understanding.

i want to see the truth, to be fully present to every hope, wish, desire. to stop stuffing it all back inside the box, desperately pulling at the bow, tying it up all pretty like a new gift. it is inevitable, the bow will not remain—the box crumbles away, decayed and rotted. but it's there inside, still glowing, shining, that tiny green sphere of hope—energy—growing slowly each day. fueled by my fellow artisans, healed by the universe; ready, waiting, pulsing, breathing.

calm. without the layers it is peaceful, free. nothing to stand in the way of the continuous circular journey. i am approaching the curve, it has been coming slowly, but i am closer now. i see the bend, the shift, the opportunity. i will not backpedal, not press the brakes. i will not be alone.

*************

this is something i wrote last november in my workshop at kripalu....i just found it in my notebook. wow.

home

2011-02-27T09:48:00.000-06:00

i've had a lot of homes in my life. but when i say "my hometown," this will always be peoria. grandmothers live there and groups of cousins, the screen porch and grandma o's china collection, cabinets full of antique mementos of a life and past worth displaying. i think of the woodpecker—both with dad as a seven year old, awed at the daring height, and again as a married woman in her 30's, showing off the view to her new husband. i think of christmas eve's and church on sunday, riding bikes criss-cross around the familiar neighborhoods. i remember climbing the treacherous staircase to the top of pat's warehouse downtown, the best view for the fireworks over the river on the fourth of july. there are riverboats and steamboat days and the gus macker basketball tournament: filling the streets downtown with boys in long shorts and matching jersey tanks.

peoria is my grandma's stuffing on thanksgiving, her china dish on the oversized hutch and sneaking sugar cubes. a dozen of tins of christmas cookies and her famous egg salad on doll-sized pepperidge farm bread. peoria is sneaking out with my girlfriends to TP the neighbors house, flying millard's plane, and mowing the lawn on that horrible riding lawn mower on sheridan road. i remember learning to drive in the richwoods highschool parking lot; josh teaching me to drive stick shift in that old rabbit convertible. the easter egg, parties in the basement, beer cans hiding amongst the shelves of cabbage patch dolls. i remember toys-r-us when my name came up on the waiting list the day the doll arrived. my teal-painted furniture—refreshed from the antique streaked blue of my mother's youth. the bubblegum carpet in my bedroom, the aquarium, and the hermit crab in the glass bowl on top of my dresser. peoria will always be swimming: willow knolls, the YMCA, lifeguarding at the park district. standing outside the fire on the way to lakeview with jamie.

this man

2011-02-26T10:03:00.006-06:00

it took this man to allow the tough shell to begin to crack. to invite my soul out from the shadows. to clear away the dust and debris, to polish off the rust, and allow me to shine.

the pool

2011-02-25T12:26:00.001-06:00

the sounds of children laughing and lifeguard whistles punctuate the view. the hot concrete under our bare feet—the stubbed toes and cool first aid cream to soothe them. i picture the scene in preparation for a swim meet, the lane lines being pulled across the deck like wide snakes, swirling toward the water, bobbing faithfully at the surface to guide our lithe bodies the length of the pool. the turquoise paint chipping from the worn wooden blocks, poised at the edge of the starting line—awaiting the small feet that will perch atop as a baby robin on the rim of the nest. the throb of the gunshot in my ears as i dive out into the warm embrace of the chlorinated bath. the faint cheers and shouts of Tom the Dog. his athletic socks barely visible as i near the opposite end, his arm pinwheeling in a motion only meant to suggest "go faster!" i cannot identify the girls on either side of me, i am only focused on the finish line. my bullseye, looming closer with each frantic kick. my hand smacks the wall with a force reserved for bad children when daddy gets home. it stings slightly as i dart my head above the surface to survey the finish. clear. both sides free from bobbing heads and outstretched hands. i am the winner.

my story

2011-02-24T08:49:00.001-06:00

there have been multiple times over the years when it became clear that i wanted to write a memoir. the first was as clear as the michigan lakes, i could see straight to the bottom of it, everything laid out in front of me. and this is strange because i cannot remember anything from that period in my life. i was sitting on mom's cool leather couch on a houston summer morning and began recording a timeline of events for every day following my sister jamie's death. in my heart i knew that these details would prove invaluable when finishing the book i was destined to write.

i recall the subsequent mornings, wrapped in a blanket against the chill of the air conditioner, noting the events of the previous day and pouring my anger and sadness onto the clean sheets. following the funeral this tradition continued, though becoming more sporadic –evenings spent scribbling drunken entries into that old blue spiral notebook until i couldn't see through my tears.

the second time was during that workshop at the hospital, when for a few hours each week i could fulfill my dream of being a writer. the day i presented my short story to the room full of doctors and nursing assistants, i was as sure of anything in my life that i would write my story. the support from my classmates was overwhelming, insisting that my story was only a chapter in a much more important book.

all of these hints culminated when i ran across the posting for natalie goldberg's writing workshop focused on memoir. it was as if i had followed the trail markers, cautiously navigating the well-worn path and arriving at a clearing. in the open field i found all of the authors before me, smiling with an invitation to their private celebration. it was as if they had known i was coming, but it was me who had forgotten the location. writing had slowly crept back into my life like a child under the covers in a storm.

after the workshop ended i could envision my own heart flowing out onto the page, my truth exposed naked in the sunshine. i could feel the power of my pain, cracked open wide and bleeding with my readers at the bedside. to acknowledge my despair, the hopelessness, the filth that lies at the bottom of grief. and the sweetness that comes with surviving it.

it is true: we are stronger than we can ever imagine in the face of tragedy. we are more powerful that we ever thought possible. as humans, we are resilient – we are destined to learn the nature of our existence through incomprehensible means.

reticence

2011-02-23T15:44:00.002-06:00

p.s. this is my new backyard

truth be told, i had to google the word after reading the critique. my teacher for the first writing workshop i ever attended referred to my narrative as "a little reticent." this was in early 2010 while i was still yearning to become a writer, to stop talking about the book and actually get my pen moving. i'm currently reworking the story to submit for an online publication and excited to see how much my writing has changed over the past 12 months.

and you know what? she was right. i was restrained, i didn't reveal my thoughts or feelings readily (dictionary.com). it has been a problem all my life...and not just in my writing. my therapist referred to this phenomenon as my "frozen feelings" and charged them with my resulting panic attack. but it was hard to open up, to say what i truly felt and not what i thought someone expected me to say. a year of self-reflection through this space has showed me that this was definitely true. it felt uncomfortable at times to be honest with myself, but i persevered. i did so in the name of authenticity.

i posted a piece of my writing last post and promised to start adding more of my daily musings. but i didn't. weeks elapsed and finally i decided to flip through the old journal and pull from its scribblings. it seemed that once i typed it onto the screen, i was disenchanted. it didn't feel how i wanted it to feel. i closed the document and avoided my blog as a result. but today i opened it again and felt the power of my own words...it's true what they say about letting your writing sit and coming back to it.

so, that's what i'm going to do. tomorrow i will post that entry i struggled with. and today i will spend the afternoon perusing my notebooks and picking some entries which are authentically non-reticent. because that is what this blog is about...overcoming the fear of being truly myself and celebrating the joy of this crazy beautiful life. here.we.go.

a place i haven’t lived…

2011-02-03T09:55:00.001-06:00

milos, greece. but i will someday. i wanted to pretend i lived there during those seven glorious days. pretend that i was european and glamorous and could stay forever taking pictures and making art. but i haven’t lived in one of those dusty stucco houses nestled in the hills, the white gleaming like ivory against the mediterranean landscape. i haven’t woken up with the view of the ocean twinkling below my perch in the hills, with a church to the east and another to the west. i have not received mail or prepared a meal, nor have i taken out the trash.

but in my dreams i am there. in an airy studio with native tunes floating out of an old radio and a breeze that could melt your heart. i have dishes and a garbage can and a flowy ink pen to send airmail messages across the sea. in milos, i am an artist. i am a writer—a famous american writer—with her rabbi husband, the quirky couple who ride their bikes across the island and skinny dip late at night off the pier. i am fulfilling a lifelong dream, to live in a place where i first realized true beauty, where life is simple and safe and inspired.

i have not lived on a tiny island in the aegean sea, with a restaurant in the fishing village that serves grilled calamari so good you’d spend all day on a dirty fishing boat with two stinky men, just to have seconds. an island with secret places to explore, mountains to climb, sparkling oceans to swim. with more sandy beaches than any of her sisters lining the path to athens. a magical place where australian expats throw pottery and open their studios to curious travelers. and the sand artist who works by lamplight, late into the night as tourists admire his intricate handiwork. where greek yogurt is just yogurt and is served with the sweetest honey bees have ever created. and when they dance around the table amongst the teacups and thinly sliced provolone, they are welcome breakfast guests.

in my dreams, the living room opens onto a wide terrace where we take our meals. fresh tomatoes and feta and sweet onions join the rustic bread basket and crisp white wine on the tablecloth. here, i am home.

***********

i haven't put a lot of my writing here on the blog....which doesn't really make sense because the whole point of this blog was for me to improve my writing. the above piece was sent to the writing group i met at kripalu in november. we have committed to doing a monthly submission to each other...mostly as a way to stay connected across the country.

i have been doing an almost daily writing practice, using prompts from my natalie goldberg book old friend from far away. this prompt came from the book, which is full of things to get me going on my memoir. hopefully i'll be posting a lot more in the weeks to come...i quit my job at the hospital (finally!) and will be moving to the beach full-time. i'm so excited for my new life i can hardly stand it. i'll be sure to post about all the changes soon.

visions

2011-01-15T10:48:00.000-06:00

my friend lindsay did a vision board workshop at our art studio a few months ago, and i was able to participate in the activity. she set this amazing ambiance, candles on the floor with a huge circle of magazines covering the space. she had tea and cookies and soothing music to complete the picture. and then she gave us an assignment: find the images that tug at your soul. i didn't blog about it then because i was still getting out of that yucky place, wading through the grime of my mind, learning to listen to the tugs at my soul.

above is the board i created. it's a bit smaller than a child's piece of posterboard (i like to work with squares, if you haven't seen my artwork). it now adorns the wall of our bedroom at my in-laws house...a place where i need to be reminded of my vision for the future. for the past 3 months david and i have been living a half life: half the week (while i'm working 12 hour shifts at the hospital) in houston, and the other glorious half relaxing at my parents condo on the beach in galveston. i have felt like i have a split personality, anxious and frustrated in houston; peaceful and relaxed once we pass the city limits.

but i have honored my vision board. in mexico, i swam in waters reminiscent of the teal blue above. i have continued my yoga practice since my return from kripalu in november. i am determined to forge ahead in my dream of living the writer's life. i have been reading and absorbing and dreaming of the future. and i am taking that word "create" to heart...that it is only me who can create the life i desire. i cannot allow others to control the outcomes, nor become discouraged at those aspects of which i do not hold the reins.

i believe in setting intentions. in speaking our dreams and releasing these visions into the universe. it is only then that we are strong enough to attempt those first wobbly steps toward the future.

the year in review

2010-12-30T08:00:00.051-06:00

last year i committed to doing 20+10 things in 2010...they were not resolutions (i don't believe in the stuff), but things i believed i could not fail to accomplish. let's see how i did...

· ~~kiss my husband (passionately) every day~~

· ~~call my best friend molly more often than i did in 2009~~ although this was still pathetic and i vow to continue my efforts in 2011

· ~~only sit outside at restaurants~~

· go to galveston once a month   (i made a good effort...and then we moved there part-time in october!)

· ~~eat healthy foods~~. (this includes my promise to never again use spray butter!)--> and i didn't!

· ~~read 5 books (in their entirety)~~ i read WAY more than 5!

· ~~complete a triathlon~~

· ~~go to at least 1 conference/workshop/retreat, preferably on the topic of writing/creating~~ (natalie goldberg workshop at kripalu yoga center)

· ~~take one fabulous trip (or perhaps a fabulous staycation)~~   both. see above for kripalu (and a week in galveston in january)

· ~~do one thing that scares me~~ (i.e. submitting a query to a big publication)...sadly i never heard back, but at least i tried

· ~~celebrate the 2-yr anniversary of my last cigarette~~

· ~~laugh out loud~~   i commit to contuing this well into the new year

· substantially reduce my debt (uhhhh, let's just skip this one)

· ~~continue the “year of discovery”~~ (i finished this with 40 posts in july...i'm very proud of my first year of blogging)

· ~~volunteer with teens at bo’s place~~

· ~~make connections with inspirational bloggers~~ i even brought 2 to do an art show at our studio in august!

· feel generally calm and peaceful (uhhh, except for the panic attack, i guess you could say so)

· ~~swim~~

· learn a poem (i learned half of the road not taken, by robert frost)

· ~~cook dinner more often~~

· ~~paint with my sister~~

· ~~participate in ARToberFEST~~

· ~~take a mountain bike trip to Austin~~

· ~~buy a “REAL” camera~~

· ~~stop feeling guilty about being a bad housewife~~

· ~~hire molly maids when necessary (to accomplish the above)~~

· ~~make my own clothes – or modify, alter, funkify the ones i never wear~~

· ~~limit new purchases~~

· ~~play with children (or just ride the swings)~~ thank goodness for my niece!

· ~~live an authentic life~~

not too shabby.

2010-12-25T07:10:00.005-06:00

have yourself a merry little christmas...

holiday flashback

2010-12-24T09:40:00.002-06:00

photo credit

this friday is a special one...one where many of us spend time with family and try our darnedest not to kill each other. i am no different...although i spend quite a bit of time with my family throughout the year. the trouble is: my father and i are polar opposites with identical personalities. most dinners turn into a conversational battle of the wills, weekends at the beach become destination political debates, a leisurely lunch at sweet tomatoes can evoke high blood pressure and anxiety.

but i'll turn back the clock to a time when i was known only as daddy's girl. i wasn't interested in the dresses mom laid out on the bed, the dolls my sister meticulously dressed in ball gowns and high heels. i played in the park and caught pop flies, preferred my pet hermit crab to the family kittens, and couldn't stand more than a 30 minute back-to-school shopping trip. dad and i did everything together...picking out baseball bats, long rides in his shiny white convertible, practicing putts at wee tee. it wasn't until my teens that this quality time began to dwindle.

so it was incredibly refreshing to spend an entire evening this week watching his dvr'd classics...just the two of us. no discussions about obama, or my career as a social worker, no jabs at my lack of permanent housing, or merlot-induced name calling ("bleeding heart liberal" or "*&%$#@* liberal" his favorites). just like old times...me and dad...and some blue bell ice cream bars, just to make it that much sweeter.

december...

2010-12-23T14:34:00.000-06:00

or september? i still can't get used to the fact that the leaves change in winter...but i sure do enjoy it!

flashback friday

2010-12-17T09:41:00.000-06:00

on wednesday i did cartwheels in the sand. it was one of those perfect texas days—70 degrees in december—and we went out for a bike ride. we were explorers that day, zooming in and out of golf cart paths, criss-crossing the highway that divides the complex, through tunnels and grassy patches. at one point, i veered off the path and headed straight for the long wooden walkway leading to the beach. we navigated the curves of the wheelchair ramp—up, up, until we passed the grasslands underneath and landed on the sandy ledge beyond. i was quick to jump off my bike and suggest a walk on the beach before turning back.

as we left the wooden boardwalk, i envisioned myself doing cartwheels on the dark sand. and as quickly as this thought entered, it floated away with the wind, replaced by thoughts of broken bottles hiding out of view, the weight of my grown-up body crumbling on my weakened wrists. but i resisted these negativities…a child doesn't worry about falling in the sand, a few scrapes and cuts…and focused instead on the impulse: i want to do a cartwheel.

and so i did. a few of them actually, trying to point my toes skyward, improve my form, win the 30-40 age bracket for best beach gymnastics. and guess what? there was no glass waiting to slice open my palms, my strong yoga arms easily held my body weight as i pinwheeled toward the crashing waves. this simple act reminded me that if i open my heart to the impulses, and let go of my grown-up worries…i am more than capable of following my dreams.

i will continue my effort to apply this lesson to other areas of my life, and refuse to let fear and anxiety dictate my actions. as adults we tend to be too responsible…identifying every possible {negative} outcome before taking action. sometimes we need to just go for it, consequences be damned. now, i'm not advocating for risky behaviors here, just a smidge less analyzing and a bit more adventure.

what did you do this week to exercise your childlike spirit?

view from lasso a latte

2010-12-16T20:53:00.002-06:00

i love this view...

2010-12-14T09:56:00.001-06:00

my niece was so happy playing photographer...i had to revert to my phone to capture this one.

glow

2010-12-13T08:40:00.004-06:00

day 12

2010-12-12T22:38:00.000-06:00

mom and i handmade this advent calendar together...it is one of my prized holiday possessions.

4G? Nope.

2010-12-10T09:32:00.000-06:00

4 D. as in, the hubby and i went to see polar express 4D at moody gardens last week. for hanukkah david took me to the festival of lights event and fully encouraged my inner child...we rode around in a golf cart, shooting pictures of all the crazy animals and disney characters, and eating kettle corn from the little booth. but the best part was definitely when we splurged for the upgrade on the 16-minute interactive version of my favorite childhood holiday book.

on christmas day, my maternal grandparents would come over to our house to open gifts, but only after we completed our annual entertainment. first, my sisters and i would take turns on the piano, singing and trying to keep pace with the 6 other voices similarly off-key. after the horrifying talent show ended, we'd snuggle up on the couch or the floor near grandpa's feet, as he'd read from our personal copy of the polar express. the reason our book was so special was that attached like a bookmark was a lovely red ribbon with a life-sized sleigh bell, just like the one in the story.

grandpa's been gone ten years now, but i can still picture him poised on the flowered couch with the bright december sunlight glowing over his shoulder as he read. his slender legs crossed at the knee, slacks always pressed with a crease, cardigan to keep his ever-thinning body warm in the bitter midwestern winter. he became weaker and weaker in those last years, but always made an effort to maintain this family ritual. it was so wonderful that david could help renew that holiday tradition.

with grandpa gone, grandma in illinois, and my family boarding a cruise ship to cozumel, our traditions have changed. i'm glad to revisit this beautiful memory and send some love to grandpa olds this holiday season. and i'd love to know...what unique traditions do you and your family uphold?

***************

i'm also joining in the fun for december views 2010. i had already started my own version last weekend and stumbled across the badge at another blog. i've always loved checking in with hippy urban girl and excited to join in this project and showcase all my lovely winter images. care to join me?

hound dogy

2010-12-10T07:55:00.001-06:00

(as seen outside a pet supply store)

2010-12-09T08:24:00.000-06:00

studio love

2010-12-08T22:20:00.000-06:00

i'll try not to cry when i tell you that this is the last week i'll make a mess in our beautiful studio. what a glorious afternoon, playing like i did when i very first fell in love with mixed media. it's been a while since i've posted some of my works in progress. we'll see how they develop over the next few days...

one man's trash...

2010-12-08T07:54:00.001-06:00

lollipop palace

2010-12-07T07:42:00.007-06:00

this house is straight outta candy land....

2010-12-06T09:39:00.001-06:00

sparkle

2010-12-05T08:34:00.003-06:00

any season that includes twinkly lights can last all year long as far as i'm concerned.

let's go for a walk...

2010-12-04T16:33:00.000-06:00

i've been shooting so much these days...but they never seem to leave my memory card. this is your personal invitation for a photo walk with me this week. the temperature is perfect...and there may even be apple cider at the end!

glide

2010-12-03T14:15:00.003-06:00

it feels like flying when you really get going. the running start to gain speed, making sure the nose of the cart is pointed directly at your destination. i used to look around to make sure no one was watching as i left the store. like my secret hit from the bong, something forbidden; like i could get caught. but now i do it with pride…my attempt at avoiding adultitis, my promise to live fully, my commitment to this blog and my childish spirit.

i did a super run yesterday—almost all the way to the car…and then i turned around and went back to where david was slowly trailing behind me. it was a perfect ride: the slant of the Target parking lot just gradual enough for me to keep up a good speed. the cart weighed down with holiday goodies to keep me from popping a wheelie during my descent. it feels a little like my old skateboard, the tug of uncertainty that it won't hold my weight as i glide along; that at any moment i might find my face kissing asphalt.

but you do it anyway…for the rush. the wind in my face, the simple pleasure of it. not because it will take years off my appearance, increase my chances at the corner office, or offer an instant coupon for 33% off. i love riding the cart because it is FUN. pure, unadulterated fun. and isn't that the point, really? to take a few minutes each day to do something that makes us smile? not for some reward or benefit, except that slight bounce in my step. to show that i'm still young at heart.

*************

i've had a rough few months as of late, and my blog has suffered as a result. but i am reclaiming my playground. i am ready for skinned knees and my new box of dora the explorer band-aids. i bring you this flashback friday with a renewed sense of vitality and purpose. life is hard. adulthood is serious. i am here to remind you that life is also short. we need to ride the swings whenever possible.

join the cause.

unknown

2010-12-02T17:15:00.000-06:00

kripalu

2010-11-17T21:56:00.001-06:00

the breeze is cool on my bare feet, sun streaming over my toes like kisses from a lover. my heart thumps a bit deeper in my chest, all those spaces filled with love and power. with determination, fierce love--for myself, my life, this crazy world of which i'm a living, breathing part. the clouds drape the sky, the pure blue broken by wisps and streaks. my plane will divide them this afternoon, tearing me away from this place, but the string remains. i am connected...i will always be connected. to this large outdated building on a hill in massachusetts, to the fresh apple cider filling my belly. to the books, the pages, to anne and armely and jess, to my hamstrings and spine and writing arm continuing to strengthen.

i believe in healing. in the power of this place. of my mind, my spirit, of my place in the universe. of all the particles and energy flow and salty tears leaving a well-worn path on my cheek. i believe in myself. my commitment to this story. to my story. to sharing myself--open wide, naked to the world. vulnerable and broken, the bits of glue peeking through the spaces of repair.

**********

this was written on my last day of a three-day writing retreat with natalie goldberg at kripalu center in lenox ma. i have been home since sunday and still...there are no words. hopefully a few excerpts from my journal over the next few days will suffice.

i wonder...

2010-11-12T06:41:00.003-06:00

does the butterfly feel trapped in the cocoon? does she know what she will be? that with patience and time, she will emerge anew? i wonder: does the caterpillar dream of flying? of beautiful wings and freedom. does she realize her full potential, yearn for the transition to be complete.

oh butterfly, how we admire you--graceful and carefree. do you worry? that you will never break free. of all the time wasted. that you won't survive until that glorious day. or do you enjoy the silence, the solitude, the warmth inside? contemplating your future...dreaming of the flowers, the sky, the trees.

i wonder...

happy halloween...

2010-10-31T22:25:00.000-05:00

...from frida and her biker hubby

whimsical women #4

2010-10-30T08:06:00.003-05:00

i'd like to apologize for the delay in this post...life has gotten in the way. but i am delighted to introduce you to october's whimsical woman: kerri arista! i am committed to promoting all types of artists and this month we will meet an artist who has a talent i could only dream of possessing: a gorgeous singing voice. (yes, i finally gave up my dream of joining the dixie chicks.) so without further ado...welcome kerri!

as i leave behind my old blog, the year of discovery, i'll ask for one thing you've discovered in the last year…

I’ve discovered, or I guess I should say rediscovered, that if I plant myself in a chair and put a guitar in my hands, I can write a song whether I’m “in the mood” or not. It may not be great, but I can create something that wasn’t there before. And if I just do that regularly, eventually, I’m able to find creations worthy of keeping, and sharing. I think that is true with any creative endeavor. Just do it. Often.

how do you bring fun into your life…anything you do regularly that makes you feel like a kid again?

I love going to the movies. More than just about anything I can think of. I have always loved going, as did my mom. I go by myself a lot, which I sometimes even prefer, because then I can pick any movie I want!

how do you maintain balance in your life (IF you do), between creative endeavors and the other parts of your life that need attention?

Well, I have sorta learned to be okay with NOT having balance at times. When moments- (or however long it lasts!) of creative inspiration strike, I try to let that take priority over just about everything else. Then I apologize later. :)

what does community mean to you? describe a community of which you're a part

People sometimes laugh when I say I’m introverted, (because they are confused on the meaning!) but I am! So I’m not really involved in many “group” or “community’ things. I have to say, I am so thankful to the blogging community out there! It was only about 6 months ago I started leaving comments on blogs that I visit. I use to be shy about commenting. But once I started getting comments from others on my own blog that were so meaningful to me, I realized it’s that back and forth that makes blogging so much fun. So now I comment- I want those bloggers to know I’m listening! And I want to be a part of the conversation.

what is the BEST costume you've ever worn?

Nothing comes to mind at all on this one. However, my brother who is in his mid-40s called me the other day to tell me he got the banana costume from Jamba Juice to wear for Halloween. We laughed and laughed. We hung up the phone, and within 5 minutes, he called me back to tell me he had just gotten his hands on the strawberry costume for me. So this year might be a big one for me!

if you could travel anywhere in the world, where would you go? and who would you take with you?

I’ve been wanting to go visit Europe- specifically Italy for years. Eventually, I will. My husband and our best friends, Allyson and Kevin are going with me.

tell us something about yourself that only a few people know…

Well, my sister once told me that if I ever died in a tornado she wouldn’t feel sad because she’d know I had died happy. And that’s probably true. I LOVE stormy weather. I am actually a little obsessed with weather. I love it when we’ve got a big change coming. The weather portion of the nightly news is the only thing I would even consider watching.

That’s another thing--- I really dislike the evening news. I’d much rather focus on the good stuff, and the news rarely does that.

and last, what's something you've been working on…or an upcoming project/event you want to share with us?

I’ve been working on, and just finished, my 3rd CD. It’s called “50 Different Ways”- I have participated now in an online challenge called “50 songs in 90 days”. This upcoming CD is 10 of the songs I wrote during that crunch time last year. It’s about to be sent off for duplication and should be ready within a month. I feel like it’s definitely my very best work so far! I can’t wait for people to hear it.

*********

and i don't want you to wait to hear her....so check this out:

you can also visit her blog here....or buy a cd here. thanks so much to my last texas woman...stay tuned as i widen my net to catch even more whimsical women to inspire you. and if you have suggestions of artful bloggers who embody this ideal, please share them here! i'm always looking to expand my community of creative women. happy halloween!

real women have anxiety

2010-10-28T20:06:00.001-05:00

oh blog, you know what i love about you? no matter how crazy my life gets, and how much i ignore you…you're still here, waiting with open arms for my return. there are so many things i want to tell you—so much has happened since we last met, i don't even know where to start. i have been learning so much about myself over the past few months…what i am capable of , when i need to ask for help, that it's okay to fail, to be vulnerable, imperfect, human.

you'd think by 33 i'd know these things…and in theory i did. and as it relates to my family, my patients, my friends, it was clear. but apparently i didn't apply the same principles to myself. i always knew that i was a perfectionist, that i set high standards for myself and others. i also recognized that i was very independent, strong-willed, rational, and "tough." and i never thought these were BAD things. i am slowly starting to realize how dangerous they really are in our lives.

in an effort to uphold my promise of authenticity, i will tell a brief story:

there was once a girl who lived in a big city, she had lots of friends and parties and a job that paid the bills. then tragedy struck her family and the girl moved across the country to be closer to them. over time, she grew to love the new city…making friends, attending graduate school, and getting married. but she was growing apart from the family who originally brought her to this place. she had so many dreams, this girl; she wanted to spread her wings and fly in a different direction from those she had known. she longed for someone to understand her, some connection to a community larger than only she and her loving husband.

one day the couple were driving to a nearby town and something terrible happened…the girl could not move her legs. she was terrified and felt as if her whole body was becoming paralyzed. she screamed out for her husband to save her. she gasped for breath, flailing like a fish out of water. she thought she might die in that emergency room in a distant city. but slowly, she regained movement in her legs, and over time, the terror lessened and she could breathe again. the doctors were baffled, they could not understand what had caused these events, the tests proved nothing.

so the girl went on her way, but quietly worried that she might be going crazy. she could not believe that she—an emergency room social worker—had visited one as a patient. she googled "nervous breakdown" and guess what she found…

p a n i c a t t a c k

she met 9 of the 13 criteria for a severe attack. she could not believe her eyes. could it be true?

*******

i am proud to say that i am in my second month with a very capable therapist. i spend more time journaling my feelings than writing my beloved blog entries. and i am trying to understand the events—and emotions—that led up to such a horrible experience that weekend in august. i am taking baby steps with myself and acknowledging that i am a work in progress. that i still have a lot to learn, and that i am committed to embracing those vulnerabilities that make me so imperfectly human.

draw on yourself

2010-10-01T17:38:00.000-05:00

in lieu of the tattoo i suggested and david vetoed...i went ahead and penned this one myself. today was the last day of my unlimited month of yoga (a gracious gift from my little sister)...and my intention was simple:

to be peaceful.

i have also drawn it on the walls...am i getting better at this being a kid thing, or what?? okay, it wasn't the walls, it was my bathroom mirror (with dry erase marker)...but it felt a bit naughty anyway. it makes me think of coloring outside the lines, decorating my mom's hallway in gorgeous crayola hues, all of those things we created and colored and drew all over as kids. doodling in school notebooks, maybe even on the desks, perhaps a bathroom stall in college...no, not me!

but why not break the rules a little bit? do something unexpected. stand facing the back wall of the elevator when you get in. take your kids out of school for the afternoon and let them choose something fun to do. shock yourself with your creativity.

what's one thing you've always wanted to do...but thought you might get in trouble? your homework: DO IT. and then let me know how much fun you had. happy friday!

2010-09-29T22:02:00.000-05:00

i love yoga.

whimsical women interview #3

2010-09-28T09:47:00.006-05:00

i’d like to introduce you to my whimsical woman of september…jennifer williams of blueskysunburn creations! one of the most incredible things about jennifer is her ability to juggle her creative life with her full-time job and spending time at home. i know most of us are struggling to find that balance between our “two lives” and jennifer’s honesty about the challenge is so refreshing. enjoy all of the art and photos…everything here was handmade by jennifer!

as i leave behind my old blog, the year of discovery, i'll ask for one thing you've discovered in the last year…

In the last year I’ve discovered that I’m only as limited as I allow myself to be. I made excuses for why I didn’t do any sort of schooling or why my business isn’t as successful as I want it to be and I realized I was the only one holding me back. My 30th birthday was a major turning point for me. I’ve been able to accomplish more in the last four months than I have over the last four years.

how do you bring fun into your life…anything you do regularly that makes you feel like a kid again?

I’m pretty much a homebody. On rare occasions my husband and I will go out to the movies but usually I’m at home spending time with my husband, playing outside with my animals or in my studio creating. It may not necessarily make me feel like a kid again but it’s what brings me happiness.

how do you maintain balance in your life (IF you do), between creative endeavors and the other parts of your life that need attention?

It’s a juggling act, that’s for sure! I currently work full time in mortgage law doing doc prep, I’m in school to become a certified paralegal, head up Etsy Fort Worth which also includes being very involved in the planning their semiannual craft show, the Cowtown Indie Bazaar, and of course my own business, Blueskysunburn Creations. In the last few months I’ve been focusing more on profits from my business which involves going to two or more craft shows every month.

Balancing it all is hard. I’ve learned to multitask like you wouldn’t believe and to-do lists are a must. On my lunch breaks you’ll find me answering emails and working on Etsy Fort Worth, at home (after I’ve answered emails) I’ll be listening to my classes while working on pendants and painting while watching tv with my husband to get some time in with him. I try to spend at least ten or fifteen minutes each day with my pets but it doesn’t always happen. I’ve discovered my house tends to suffer more often than not as I don’t have a lot of time for housework.

what does community mean to you? describe a community of which you're a part.

To me a community is a support team of people that encourage your endeavors and your interests. Finding the handmade community was very eye opening for me. It led me in the direction of founding a street team, Etsy Fort Worth, in February 2009. It’s a group of roughly 50 handmade artists who meet in person monthly and socialize with one another online. There is so much to be said about the impact on your own creativity when you are around other creative people.

what is the BEST costume you've ever worn?

My best costume wouldn’t necessarily be the best as much as it was my favorite. Last year I was a red Lego block for Halloween. I made the costume myself out of paper bowls, cardboard and paint with instructions I found on the internet. I even one third place at the office costume contest!

if you could travel anywhere in the world, where would you go? and who would you take with you?

Wow, that’s a hard one. There are so many places I want to travel to. If I had to choose only one I think I would choose to go to Italy with my husband. I would love to see the ruins in Sicily or see what Venice has to offer.

tell us something about yourself that only a few people know…

Other than some mundane fact there isn’t much I can tell you that I haven’t publicly posted in my blog, Trial and Error. I pretty much put everything out in the open be it accomplishments, failures, angry rants or vacations.

and last, what's something you've been working on…or an upcoming project/event you want to share with us?

Due to the holiday season and the amount of shows I’ve been attending I’ve mainly been cramming to keep my pendant stock up as they are my best sellers. Just this past weekend I started creating larger pendants with art prints of my work and also I made a handful of pendants with crosses out of demand.

Aside from that I’ve been working on commissions. Come January I plan on working on larger scale pieces to get into local galleries and to sell consignment at stores.

*************
thanks so much to jennifer for taking the time to share a bit of herself here in the playground. if you'd like to see more of her creative process...and her mischievous puppy...you can visit her blog here. and look around in her etsy shop over here.

i am winding up the “tour of texas” next month with my interview of a whimsical singer/songwriter from dallas. after that i will open it up to the women who inspire me from all corners of the globe…i can’t wait to explore the blogosphere for more whimsical women! and maybe some pictures of the spaces in which they create…i love to snoop around in other people's studios.

vacation hangover

2010-09-27T22:41:00.000-05:00

i've been trying to get myself to go through the pictures, but it's just too depressing.

i want to be back there....now.

only in west texas...

2010-09-23T10:07:00.001-05:00

wabi sabi

2010-09-22T23:06:00.000-05:00

my fingernails are painted. i realize that this may not seem like a big deal to anyone reading this, what with millions of women running around in various shades of nail polish at this very moment. but for me this represents something more than simply a color choice. this means that i actually had (and took) the time to sit patiently and do nothing more than casually flip through a magazine while they dried.

now, it is not news to me that my life had become way.too.crazy. i've talked about it recently in this space, and over the past few weeks, taken great strides toward a simpler lifestyle. but every time i look down at my hands i can barely recognize those elegant fingers. this simple act reflects all of the simple pleasures i have neglected since life got so hectic.

right now i am sitting in the bed of a 29-foot RV in the middle of the afternoon, eating a nutritious snack and staring out at the clouds over the mountains. i am surrounded by simple beauty...there are few buildings in this area, no noise, pollution, distractions. life is slower here in west texas. d and i eat delicious meals we can prepare in two pans on our RV stove, with fresh ingredients packed into the tiny fridge. i see that we don't need much to be happy (and i knew this to be true before we ever left houston). painted nails and my mountain bike, good pens and books to read, healthy food and afternoon kisses.

i am happy here. with the slow pace and sun streaking the sky following an afternoon rain shower. with time to write and take photo walks--and free wifi, of course--a technologically advanced "simple life." my cousin bought me a subscription to whole living magazine as a thank you gift for her recent visit (yes, she is that thoughtful!) an article i read today discussed the concept of wabi sabi, an ancient zen philosophy which celebrates the beauty in life's imperfection. the freedom in abandoning our western idea of perfect is very intriguing to me, both in a physical and emotional sense.

i believe that these past six months have been about my transformation closer to this idea of embracing imperfection. of finding out for myself what is real and celebrating all of the quirks that make me unique. that i like to paint my nails and then go get muddy on the mountain bike trails. that i can love my dad fiercely, yet hold a near polar-opposite life philosophy. that i can be a responsible adult and not have a 401k.

the past six months have taught me that life is much simpler when i make decisions based on my values and expectations for myself rather than someone else's, or worse--society's. this wabi sabi concept appeals to me because it validates that life is incomplete, unfinished. i've always thought that my life would be perfect once i:
a) found a rewarding career
b) met my soul mate
c) completed a triathlon, took a creative writing course, planned a vacation...

but once i had all of these checked off my list, i still felt incomplete. now i see that that's the point. there will always be things to add to the list. and that's the beauty of life. i will always be growing, living, learning--it never ends. but what needs to end is the expectation that i can do it on someone else's timeline, or to someone else's specifications. i will always make mistakes, i will never be perfect.

to live authentically, i need to simplify my life in line with my deepest held beliefs. pare it down to just a few basics, those things i simply cannot live without. and i'm getting there. slowly, clumsily, imperfectly...i'm getting there.

floating

2010-09-17T09:34:00.011-05:00

yesterday i was myself again. i've been coming out of this fog for a while, but i finally felt the warmth of the sun on my face. in my effort toward authenticity and my mission to maintain my childlike spirit...it felt like success. one snippet of my near-perfect day looked like this:

windows down in the black beauty, a car that has seen me through everything: grief, grad school, 4 am shifts at starbucks, marriage, and a fairly horrible commute to my first "real" job in houston. she's more like an old friend than a piece of machinery now. i know my CRV like the back of my hand--there's a comfort that comes with the relationship and she definitely has a special place in my life.

so, the wind is pushing those curly little pieces of hair all around my face. i smile in the rearview mirror...my natural hair frizzing in the late-summer heat. i am happy. the kind of happy where i glide my hand out the window to ride the waves of wind floating alongside me. and when a favorite song comes on the radio, just as i'm picking up speed on the open highway, let out a little scream...just to remind myself that i'm alive.

it was just a moment. a drive i've made a hundred times. but it was in that moment i knew i was coming back. that part of me that seemed trapped in quicksand, the one unable to break free from the tangles of her own life. in that moment, i felt peace.

sometimes i need to scream with the windows open. not worry what the guy in the lexus might think when i weave my arm through the warm breeze. sometimes, i just need to be me.

today =

2010-09-16T15:07:00.000-05:00

perfection.

possibility

2010-09-13T22:44:00.000-05:00

flashback friday

2010-09-11T17:51:00.003-05:00

it was so much harder to think of this week's flashback friday...mostly because i haven't been feeling very playful lately. it seems that every day has brought new grown-up challenges and limited my time for more simple pleasures. which is exactly why i needed today's adventure...

david and i used to go mountain biking at least once a week...i remember when i first started this blog, i posted this about our weekend ritual. and it was always a time of unadulterated fun. there's something about flying through the trails, wind whipping your face, a sense of true joy when we're in the groove. today i really forced myself to forget about all of my adult worries and just ride. i focused on the glints of sunlight through the trees, the birds chirping happily overhead, and the sound of my breath as we navigated the valleys and obstacles in our path.

riding bikes as a kid, we were never thinking about the homework we had to do later that night or the nutritional content of our lunchboxes. we were solely focused on the task at hand--speed and balance and the ever-popular "no hands" to show off to our friends. now, i may not have a banana seat or streamers flowing from my handle bars, but i do still get that little jolt of fear when we hit a difficult trail, that sense of freedom when flying downhill at top speed, and joy at having my best friend beside me for the ride.

what did you do last week that made you feel like a kid again?

naptime is over

2010-09-05T22:55:00.000-05:00

seen from our balcony in galveston, tx on friday

okay, so i really DID sleep most of the last week away. i may have finally overcome the overwhelm that was taking over in august and have enjoyed the first days of september by relaxing and starting a new art journal. i've noticed that i haven't been painting as much lately and since i'm going through a lot of big changes and decisions right now...i thought it was a perfect time to try it out.

i took an old composition book i never used and cut the front and back covers off to use for the journal. then i took a bunch of unused papers and punched holes and found some little binder rings to hold it all together. i'm excited that it's even something i can do after a full 12-hour shift at the hospital (today) and feel productive. though the paint's still drying and i haven't added my text yet, i thought i'd give you a sneak peek.

hopefully i'll be posting more pages throughout the month. but mostly the next 30 days will be spent planning for our annual anniversary-vacation, or what david has dubbed "our third honeymoon." only this time we will not be in NYC or a small greek island, but in a rented RV traveling across west texas. we are nothing if not unpredictable. i'll probably post a bit less this month, but plan to get a whimsical women interview in and a bunch of photos of my travels.

although it's still 90 degrees most days, i'm pretty sure i feel autumn coming...

overbooked

2010-08-25T12:03:00.000-05:00

i honestly don't know what i was thinking this month...my calendar is spilling over with appointments, events, promises, to-do's. {not to mention an unscheduled trip to the ER!} let's just say i will be extremely happy for september 1 to roll around. so for today i thought i'd just share a few visuals of the stuff i've been up to over the past 2 weeks, and what i have going on this weekend!!! here we go...

i helped to coordinate the 6th Annual Jamie & Andy Schliepsiek Memorial Fundraiser...this is the {party} we throw every summer in my sister and brother-in-law's honor.

we always do a silent auction...

and raised over $5,500 that night!

the event is held in my hometown of peoria, IL and we spent a long weekend

hanging out with some of my favorite people...

and then back to houston for my very first mixed media workshop last weekend...

and our big art show this weekend...

david and i decided a while back that we wanted to celebrate women artists...and we're so excited that our neighboring gallery has joined us! it's going to be a great night. {a long, exhausting, carefully planned night.} and i'm looking forward to sleeping well into next week.

mission failed...

2010-08-13T13:27:00.003-05:00

this flashback friday is actually a reflection on how i DIDN'T live like a kid last week...please don't be disappointed with me, it happens sometimes. that damn adult instinct takes over and says things like "that's not professional" or "you'll look like a clown." now when i was a kid, looking like a clown was a GOOD thing. so here's how it went down last week...

i was in a funk...i was having one of those crisis moments where i realize that i work to pay my bills in this terrible cycle of consumerism for things i don't really want, but need to maintain this ridiculous lifestyle i didn't exactly choose but seems necessary in our modern western culture. (and yes, i was temporarily forgetting that i love my job and have a really lovely and exciting life despite this work-financial obligation-responsible-adult-predicament.) so i had a flashing thought that i should wear my "wedding shoes" {pictured above} to work to cheer myself up a bit, but then VETOED it. just like that...my yucky grown-up brain told me NO.

this is exactly the stuff that stifles creativity. that stunts our growth (at any age). this is not good for my soul. i firmly believe that kids should wear tutu's and firefighter hats to kindergarten (or 6th grade!). i also believe that i should wear red puma sneakers to work if i feel like it. red sneakers do not take away my master's degree or the licensure i attend countless continuing ed courses and pay hard-earned cash to maintain. funky blue laces do not say "i am a bad social worker" or "i am incapable of providing empowering statements and listening attentively."

if i have to be a grown-up, i should be able to act like a kid not only in the privacy of my own home (ben and jerry's straight from the container, with an oven mitt to protect from frostbite), but in public as well. and next time i feel like a little wedding-shoe-love might lift my spirits....i will say yes.
***************
for a chance to win that fabulous giveaway, answer me this...what did you do this week {or really wish you had done} to feel like a kid again?

whimsical women interview #2

2010-08-12T17:18:00.000-05:00

today i have the pleasure of introducing you to a fellow houstonian--and someone i have an abnormal amount of bizarre similarities with. (for example: we don't like to talk on the phone, we love butterflies and power tools, and must at all times sleep with a fan for white noise!) Jen DeDonato is a full-time artist and mom to two boys, not to mention the founder of colorfly studio!

she will be joining me at the women of texas art show at mariposa studio this month and i'm thrilled to see her art in person {finally}! jen's artwork is featured throughout this interview and she has graciously offered a giveaway to whet your appetite for the upcoming show! but we'll talk more about that later...first, let's meet august's whimsical woman: jen dedonato!

as i leave behind my old blog, the year of discovery, i'll ask for one thing you've discovered in the last year?

I would say what I've learned this year is not to take your health for granted. I've been really sick for exactly one year and it's been hard on me. Waking up every day and feel good is something no one should take for granted. A not so serious discovery is that I've discovered I love pedicures! Nothing better then to look down and have happy toes looking back at you.

how do you bring fun into your life…anything you do regularly that makes you feel like a kid again?

Go carts! It’s been awhile but I love riding them with my boys. I am blessed because I have a wonderfully fun family and friends. We go to plays, sing-a-long movies, theater, day trips, art exhibits, new restaurants, street fairs, festivals you name it we will find it and enjoy ourselves.

how do you maintain balance in your life (IF you do), between creative endeavors and the other parts of your life?

I have to break my day in half…in the morning/afternoons I work on art and then late afternoon/evenings I have to tend to home and family. This schedule is easy during the school year because my boys are gone but it’s much more difficult during the summer months because we keep crazy hours.

what does community mean to you? could you describe a community of which you're a part?

I am a part of a great art community here in Houston. I have been surprised how everyone really sticks together and helps each other. What I’ve experienced is that it’s not competitive and crazy. The monthly artist market I am part of (First Saturday Artist Market) is great because all the artists are so helpful.

what is the BEST costume you've ever worn?

I love handmade costumes and the best one I ever wore was done by my friend’s Mom. She made me into static cling. It was awesome because it cost nothing! All my clothes matched and then she put socks, pantyhose, shirts and such all over me. I don’t have a picture but I wish I did.

if you could travel anywhere in the world, where would you go? and who would you take with you?

I would go to Egypt hands down. I have always been intrigued with the history and to see the pyramids up close would be amazing to me. I would take my husband because I would love to have that experience/memories with him. Plus he would have to tell me which direction to walk.

tell us something about yourself that only a few people know…

I have to sleep with a box fan. I have to take it with me when I travel. I won’t take it on planes but if I could get it into my suitcase I would consider it! My son’s doctor suggested it to sooth my son because he was a screamer baby but in the end it ended up soothing me. It’s the sound I guess that makes me feel comfortable and cozy…can’t explain that one.

and last, what's something you've been working on…or an upcoming project you want to share with us?

I am working on soldered pendants with my artwork in them. I am really excited about them because they are just cool beans! Also, I am illustrating a wonderful book that a friend of mine wrote. It’s super clever and creative.

*************

one lucky winner will receive the above 8x10 print on wood block

to enter the giveaway, you'll need to either:

1. comment on this post, answering the question: what makes you feel like a kid again? OR

2. comment on tomorrow's flashback friday post

i'll choose the winner from the comments from both days (and yes, you improve your chance if you comment twice!) and announce it on monday 8/16.

************
thanks so much to jen for visiting the playground...if you're loving her artwork and can't wait to see if you win the incredible giveaway, you can peek at her etsy shop here. i'll leave you with one of my favorites...

this i believe

2010-08-11T21:30:00.000-05:00

a little happy for my hump day....my essay was posted on thisibelieve.org! take a peek here.

magic

2010-08-07T10:12:00.021-05:00

there is magic all around us. but we must be open to its power. and believe. children have no problem with this task...the rabbit comes out of the hat and they are awed. it is an incredible sight, to watch the faces of those witnessing magic. as adults, are we still able to believe--to go back to that place of innocence where the impossible is possible? we hear stories in the media about miracles. and people believe. we see something that defies all logic and acknowledge that sometimes...miracles happen.

what is the difference between magic and miracle? is it simply an open heart that allows for us to capture the magic and hold it inside of us? children's hearts are open to everything. but as we age, it seems to harden...protecting us from the inevitable heartbreaks that come with adulthood. despite this knowledge, i want to leave a little piece of myself open to the possibility of magic. to trust that there are things we cannot explain--and don't really need to. sometimes it's just more enjoyable not knowing how the trick was done, and just for a moment...to sit in awe.

i scream, you scream...

2010-08-06T15:08:00.000-05:00

this week's flashback friday is all about summer fun....specifically, ICE CREAM! although i'm not gonna lie, i believe that ice cream is a year-round delicacy. recently, as we were driving to work i noticed a little shop i'd never seen in the 100+ times we've driven by. it was called hank's ice cream, and i just knew that we'd be visiting very soon. so last night david and i had a perfect summer evening...swimming at the Y, then home for a (well-balanced) meal, and then....to hank's!

i have to tell you, that oatmeal raisin in a sugar cone was sculpted to perfection by a young gentleman i am guessing to be hank's grandson. and there were three generations of hank's family behind the counter of this old-fashioned ice cream parlor...one to give me the delicious "tester" of homemade heaven, one to make the perfect cone for my licking pleasure, and the third to divulge my husband's creative nature. he could not be bothered with your run-of-the-mill rootbeer float, he opted for the much more exotic, much more texan...

DR. PEPPER FLOAT

we don't mess around down here, ya'll! it was so much fun, walking outside on a hot (82 degrees at 8:00pm) night, enjoying a sugar high with my hubby. but today i got to thinking about how we rarely allow ourselves such joys in this carb-obsessed, south-beach-frenzied, calorie-counting country of ours. i thought of the glorious gelato stands in italy, where no one is shy to order extra pistachio creaminess...and then walk around the piazza enjoying every lick.

which is what i wish for you in these last weeks of summer: to truly indulge yourself. maybe you're lactose intolerant and ice cream isn't your thing, but find whatever it is...and really ENJOY it. don't eat it and then think about how many sit-ups you're gonna need to combat those cheese fries, just enjoy them. as kids we don't worry about it "going to our hips"...and to be honest with you, i don't think we should be doing it as adults. i know i've rambled on about weight watchers in previous posts, but i'm gonna have to repeat it here: they know what they're doing.

the one rule in WW (okay, there are a few...) is to actually taste your food, to enjoy it, savor it, make it worth it. which is exactly what i did with my cone last night, right down to the last bite. life is short...we're never gonna be as thin as we think we "should" be. again, i ask you: on your deathbed will you remember those extra 30 minutes on the treadmill, or that wonderfully warm night out with your husband, ice cream dripping down your wrist, watching this...

what are you doing this summer that makes you feel like a kid?

cravings

2010-08-02T22:32:00.000-05:00

i want to write. i want to sit with my pencil and legal pad and scribble it all down. i want to get it out there...blow the petals into the universe. i am yearning for the long, uninterrupted time for me and my words. i am ready.

summer loveliness

2010-08-01T10:04:00.000-05:00

my photo was featured over here...i loved scrolling through all of the amazing images and snippets from a day. hope your sunday is lovely...

and the winner is...

2010-07-31T22:08:00.001-05:00

beverley!!! congratulations...you can contact brandi directly with your shipping info...here.

also, i have a piece of mine over at joyrebel.com...stop by and say hi for the giveaway.

storytime

2010-07-30T14:59:00.000-05:00

so you may have noticed a little blog-makeover this week...i've been working hard to make my online home better reflect my real life. it kinda felt like when you move the furniture around in a room and it looks totally different...even though it's the same old stuff! i realized that i've been talking about all of these concepts over the past year, now i'm just giving them a breath of fresh air. and i'm making good on my promise to connect more with the creative women who inspire me every day.

if you've read my blog before, you know that i've tried to do a new discovery post every week over the past year. well, with jodie's playground, my goal is to engage others to join me in adding play to our daily routines, and friday will be the day to check in and see how we're doing. i imagine my flashback friday's will be similar to my discoveries, but focused on what i'm doing to nourish my childlike spirit.

**********

this week i'm going to talk about one of my favorite subjects: reading. as a 20-something i started collecting children's books--you know the ones:

i don't know what made me start doing it, but my mom and i had such fun flipping through dozens of amelia bedelia's mishaps! thinking back on those books reminds me how much i loved reading as a kid...hours spent at the peoria public library, lounging on bean bag chairs, checking out mountains of summer reads.

my cousin was recently in town for a week and finished 3 books on her trip (p.s. she's a teacher and has a master's in reading--she reads FAST). once she finished one, i took it and i actually finished a whole book that week too (and i was working!) it made me think of those awesome summer reading lists...and how i devoured words like candy back then, a sugar-high when my heroine saved the day.

and last week i realized that i still get that high. that feeling when you're at the peak, not knowing what will happen next. and then the depression that sets in when the last page is turned, and i must bid farewell to my new friends. The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society is an incredible book...i highly recommend it for the last lazy weeks of summer. and if you don't have time for that one, then maybe one of shel silverstein's poems will do the trick.

what are you doing this summer that makes you feel like a kid?

whimsical women interview #1

2010-07-29T20:12:00.006-05:00

i'm so excited to introduce you to the very first joy rebel...brandi reynolds! not long after my initiation into the blogosphere, i stumbled upon brandi's joy rebel army and am now a proud member. i could go on and on about how i drool over her photographs and that sometimes her blog posts make me laugh so hard milk comes out my nose, but it might embarrass her.

so, i'll let her describe the essence of the joy rebellion in her own words: "One idea: We could watch the news, read a fashion magazine that calls anyone over a size 6 'plus sized' and become more jaded with every commute through traffic. OR we can rebel; find the beauty, get doggie kisses, make messy paintings, write sappy love songs, compose bold memoirs, forgive radically, hope abundantly, shine encouragingly and otherwise claim the inner joy that I believe is at the core of each of us." you took the words right out of my mouth....

let's get to know brandi {and her incredible photography--pictured here}, shall we?

as i leave behind my old blog, the year of discovery, i'll ask for one thing you've discovered in the last year?

I’ve discovered a need to get back to basics, to slow down, to breathe and to have fun with other venues of creativity (other than photography). And that I can’t do it all. And that I can’t give up *crack* dr. pepper.

how do you bring fun into your life…anything you do regularly that makes you feel like a kid again?

I laugh as much as humanly possible. Fortunately, both my husband and I have the same 12 year old boy sense of humor so laughing is pretty easy in our house. And whenever I am in water, I totally connect with that joyful kid energy.

how do you maintain balance in your life (IF you do), between creative endeavors and the other parts of your life?

*crack* dr. pepper. Kidding! I’ve figured out that I HAVE to take time for yoga and quietness. It seems that if I can give myself that space and that peace, I am better able to balance everything else.

what does community mean to you? could you describe a community of which you're a part?

I am so fortunate to be part of a community of creative bloggers. People like you, Jodie! And the wonderful group at wish studio and Connie and Darrah. I get so much inspiration, support and joy from this group. And that’s what community means to me as well.

what is the BEST costume you've ever worn?

Dressing up for a renaissance faire was so fun! I was a gypsy.

if you could travel anywhere in the world, where would you go? and who would you take with you?

I’d go to new Zealand and visit all the sites where lord of the rings was filmed. (total LOTR dork here!). And I’d take my husband with me.

tell us something about yourself that only a few people know…

Um….I don’t think that’s possible. I kinda blather about everything on my blog….lol.

and last, what's something you've been working on…or an upcoming project you want to share with us?

Well, I am totally looking forward to the art show with you sweetness! But other than that, I am allowing whatever comes up to come up.

************

ahhhh, she mentioned a little thing called the art show...so much fun coming in august my friends. i am kicking off my whimsical women series with a tour of texas, and all the artsy-love we've got going on down here. i'm bringing the girls together for an all-women's show at our studio in one month. and to start the celebration a little early, brandi has graciously donated an incredible print for one lucky winner!

to enter the giveaway, you'll need to either:

1. comment on this post, answering the question: what makes you feel like a kid again? OR
2. comment on tomorrow's flashback friday post

i'll choose the winner from the comments from both days (and yes, you improve your chance if you comment twice!) and announce it on saturday 7/31.

************

thanks so much to brandi for visiting the playground...if you're loving her photographs and can't wait to see if you win "dive," you can peek at her etsy shop here. she also has a fabulous new website she created herself. yes, she is kind of a show off...

but i forgot one very important question: are you more of a swings or slide kinda girl?

welcome to the playground...

2010-07-28T16:02:00.000-05:00

wanna play???

discovery #40 - the final entry

2010-07-27T22:37:00.000-05:00

anything is possible

what i have discovered over this year of blogging is that anything is possible--if you open yourself to the opportunity. since i pressed "publish" on that first post, huge shifts have occurred...i have chased down my dreams and created bigger ones. i could never have imagined this life as i sat contemplating the boredom sure to follow my 32nd birthday. over the course of the year i have discovered the power of listening to the universe, noticing the overlaps, and paying close attention to my inner whispers. and i have followed all of these to an incredibly fulfilling place.

i have discovered that when i commit to something, put in the hard work, and ignore the fear of failure...i can do almost anything. i have pushed outside my own boundaries, explored the unknown, and found myself living a creative lifestyle that existed only in my dreams. and now those dreams have grown--with the delicious anxiety that comes with spreading my wings wider. i am learning to embrace that fear, the one that says "you can't do that"...i have begun to respond: "why not?" and then laughing when i prove the fear wrong.

as i look back on the things i have accomplished this year, i am filled with a great sense of pride. i am proud that i have opened my heart to possibility, followed my own path, and created my own destiny. as i scan back through the archives, i am given the gift of transformation. because of this year, i truly believe that anything is possible. so often we limit ourselves by the excuses we make for why we could never do something, rather than flipping it to why we would love to do something. once we admit that we want something (whether we believe we can actually attain it at that moment), we can begin taking ACTION to achieving it. and i am a firm believer in baby-steps to get there...

my year of discovery has shown me many things, but this experience of blogging and dreaming and stretching out of my comfort zone has proven the benefits of following my heart. i have known that i was not cut out for the 9-5 life...but kept trying it anyway. i have known that i am creative...but never put myself out there for others to see. i have discovered that i am powerful beyond measure...that just when i think i know what i am capable of, i do something even bigger. by putting my dreams up on the screen, by holding myself accountable for all those built-up wishes, i have found a place of true happiness.

thank you for joining me on this journey of discovery...

grow

2010-07-24T22:12:00.001-05:00

7 link challenge

2010-07-23T11:21:00.001-05:00

i was over at susannah's and she participated in a fun challenge i thought i'd join. here is where it all began....and i loved the idea of going back through the archives! especially since there are some big changes brewing over here...i've been trying to get it all done as my "year of discovery" comes to an end.

a look back at my first year in the blogosphere...and what a year it's been! i can hardly believe the transformation from the girl who started typing up her dreams in this space just before her 32nd birthday. it was strange going back to some of those first posts...i was so hesitant to put it all out there. enjoy a walk down memory lane...

my first post...inspiration was posted on june 18, 2009

post i enjoyed writing the most...definitely this one reviewing the best of 2009. it was so nice to have an excuse to reflect on the year and highlight some amazing memories.

post which had a great discussion..i am not alone. well, the discussion mostly occurred offline, but it was definitely a hot topic!

post on someone else’s blog i wish i'd written...this hilarious post by jen gray.

my most helpful post...life is beautiful. i hope this reminds my readers to seek out beauty, and not allow ourselves to be controlled by those things we cannot.

post with a title that i'm proud of...pee your pants funny. i don't know if i'm "proud" of it, but i'm guessing it was an attention grabber...and it still makes me giggle.

post i wish more people had read...my childhood scrapbook. this really shows a lot about my history and i loved re-reading it...

discovery #39

2010-07-22T13:26:00.001-05:00

i don’t have a lot of friends

DISCLAIMER: to those readers who consider themselves my friends, please understand that this entry is an attempt at self-exploration and should not be taken personally.

i’ve been thinking a lot lately about what friendship really means and what being a friend actually entails. historically, i’d say i’m a person who has always had a lot of friends. if i look back to elementary school, i played on the playground, ran around with the neighborhood kids, and met new friends each summer on the swim team. high school was no different – a big group of us would hang out on the weekends, going to movies, slumber parties, dances. i joined a sorority my freshman year of college (don’t judge)…and automatically increased my number of friends by 50 in the span of a semester.

but if we’re talking about friendship, i cannot go on without paying respect to the one constant throughout all of these periods in my life. molly. to me, she is the definition of BFF. i don’t remember meeting her…my parents say i was probably five when we started playing at the pool one summer. i have never known a time when she was not my friend. (okay maybe a few times when we were roommates!) molly is a year older than me and the big sister i never had. she taught me everything i know about girl-power, living life to the fullest, and forgiveness.

she wrote me endless letters adorned with shiny stickers and drawings in the margins, over the three years my parents kidnapped me to australia. she was there through the perms, and instigated the unfortunate-matching-haircut-period. and she was the first person to tell me what really happens during childbirth (for this i will never forgive her). but she also made me a *fairy* godmother.

so when i think about my mally, then i suppose longevity is the key to the equation. friendship means a shared history, countless memories, a handful of stories to be used as blackmail if ever necessary. she is the only person i know—besides my mother—who would do anything for me. like say, fly into a hurricane-ravaged city six days following the storm, 6 months pregnant with twins, so she and my flower girl can sit front-row at my wedding. or giving up her house for a week so my family can crash during my sister’s funeral in our hometown. or driving all the way to texas from chicago with me in a rental car when i really needed to move back home.

so i suppose i have constructed what i think it means to be a friend. pretty big shoes to fill, eh? and over the years, most of the people i’ve labeled as such have failed miserably to satisfy these top two criteria. which got me thinking: what does it take to be my friend? and at what point do i need to end a friendship if certain standards aren’t being upheld? over the years i’ve ended several friendships, some by choice, others by circumstance. geographically, i have had friends all over the globe. although endlessly interesting and always exciting…very difficult to maintain. the classmates from my all-girls school in melbourne, flatmates from my international dorm at the university of east anglia, dozens of co-workers onboard the MS norwegian sky. sadly, all a distant memory…unable to withstand the test of time.

and the second category: those who couldn’t provide what i needed at the time i needed it most. i have learned that sometimes it is better to let a friendship go than suffer the consequences of trying to make it work. and sometimes i’m afraid, friendships are created out of convenience—or individual gain—like that girl in 7th grade with the really nice boat. but for me, it must be mutually beneficial. i must be giving to the relationship as much as i am receiving. and not in the same way mind you, and not always at the same time…but over the long run.

and if a friendship is really important to me, i’m even willing to give a little more, just to protect it. so when i really think about it…i’m okay with keeping my number of friends at a minimum, in order to maintain the integrity of the title. here's to matching sundresses and side ponytails!

33 and lovin' it

2010-07-20T11:15:00.000-05:00

for my husband's 30th i gave him a list of 30 things i love about him. for my birthday, i am creating a list of 33 things i love about myself. here we go....

i love the swings
i color in coloring books (as in, i own my own books and crayons)
i dance to 80's youtube videos with my husband in our living room
i am an avid cliff jumper
i own blue nail polish
i have worn candy necklaces often as an adult
i dream of living in an RV
i believe adults should not need children to have a swing set in their backyard
i live every day like it's my last
i am inspired by children's curiosity
my favorite part of the game cranium is the play-doh
i know for sure that one should always choose fun over cleaning the house
i ate fried oreos at the rodeo
i love kites
riding my bike brings me joy
i wear pigtails often
my family is slightly addicted to the game catch phrase
i am happiest at the beach house, with the sound of the ocean from the balcony
i believe s'mores are a little bit of heaven for our tastebuds
i am fascinated by nature
i have a brave girl t-shirt
i am obsessed with birthday's...parties, cake, balloons...bring it on
i invite any occasion to wear costumes, funny hats, or play dress-up
i rode an elephant with my husband
i have completed a triathlon
i will drop almost anything to watch a sunrise or sunset
i often eat ice cream before (or as) my dinner
i love getting letters in the mail
i use colorful pens whenever possible
i am enamored with aquariums
packing for a trip is an ultimate high
i wore custom-made red puma sneakers to my wedding (they had blue laces)
every year i become a little more me

happy birthday to me! off to the beach to soak up some sun and sip mojitos...

happy day

2010-07-12T07:48:00.003-05:00

from my in-store painting experience saturday...more to come!

who is she?

2010-07-10T22:21:00.000-05:00

Who is she, the one they see? Bold, fearless, carefree? Likely independent, unique, hard to define. She is quiet at times, thinking, watching. Waiting for her moment to shine. A storyteller, the center of attention. Definitely funny, always ready to laugh.

But also dark. That humor, just on the other side of light. A deep thinker—maybe. At times, with a Blue Moon (or 3), the serious one. Conversationalist, asker of questions. Honest. Brutally, at times. She is passionate, opinionated, sometimes harsh.

But she is a lover. Affectionate when in close company, and always the nurturer. Great with kids, yet unsure about motherhood. A child at heart, curious, always ready to learn. A reader—lover of books—shelves lined at her messy home. Organized chaos she'd have you believe. And an artist, a newfound love both for herself and in another.

Theirs is a fierce kind of love, the one so rarely found. One of novels and old films. Wild and messy and strong. She found him at the only right time. Once broken and shattered, combing the wreckage, she had completed reconstruction. Her fighter's heart had won, building up from the rubble of her grief, and forged on.

An independent spirit needing no guide, only a companion. A fellow traveler prepared for the ride. Her wings have spread wider, his breath blowing her higher in flight. From the ground, they cannot see from where the wind comes.

And so it will be their secret. This peace, this joy, in knowing the other. Her grief-filled tears—their salty trails like a snail's path to his heart. She will grow, change. Her art will blossom, alongside their dreams. She will shine. And the glow will be hers alone to see.

shine on!

2010-07-05T23:15:00.001-05:00

discovery #38

2010-07-02T13:57:00.003-05:00

i am impatient

i want everything now. i am an instant gratification kinda gal. i have all these big dreams and goals and plans, and i want it all RIGHT NOW. i am beginning to discover that i need to actually put in the hard work to get there. and i am trying to enjoy the journey as i do so.

i never realized this about myself before, but now that i look back...i see i've had a lot of big plans. all were just big dreams really, since i never put in the effort to bring them to fruition. i think i've started blaming this phenomenon on my life philosophy - to live in the moment, that all we can trust is the present. but it is slowly becoming clear that this philosophy may be shortchanging my dreams. if i am only focused on today...how can i prepare for the future?

especially if i have a very clear vision of how i want that future to look? david and i have been making some big decisions on how to achieve that lifestyle and i'm proud that i have been able to look past tomorrow. i still believe that we need to enjoy--and be grateful for--every moment. i still plan to live every day like it's my last and be fully present in my daily life. but in doing so, i will ensure that the steps i take today are leading along the path to my ideal future.

...the one where i work as a social worker in some capacity, but have more time to write, make art, travel, and possibly start a family. the one where we have a strong community of like-minded friends and a safe place to rest our heads. where i am creative every day and sharing that joy with others. where there is a never-ending supply of mint chocolate chip.

i am discovering how to channel my impatience into creative energy, the passion that drives me forward. it is this drive, this ambition to create the life i've always envisioned, that will propel me into a future i could have only imagined.

time...

2010-06-30T12:35:00.000-05:00

you never cease to amaze me. in certain situations, you seem to last forever...the excruciating pain of waiting for a test result, an apology, christmas morning when you're 7. and in others, you are gone in a blur...difficult to imagine how the hours could pass so easily while creating a piece of art, playing with children.

there are so many ways to describe you...in hours, seconds, decades, lifetimes...so many reasons to love and hate you. most agree there is never enough of you...most would pay top dollar for just a bit more. we seem to always be racing against the clock...timelines, to do lists, schedules, alarm clocks. how can we enjoy just this one moment in time?

the time of our lives...is it right now? has it already passed...or do we spend every minute trying to get there? oh time, you never cease to amaze me...

discovery #37

2010-06-25T08:18:00.001-05:00

the joy of mime

yesterday was the last day of the summer series where i volunteer and we had the pleasure of spending time with "dan the mime." he is so awesome, i had to find him on youtube for you. the kids went crazy...it was so much fun to see their smiles. enjoy...

anticipation

2010-06-24T22:28:00.000-05:00

i am going here this weekend. just thinking about it makes me smile.

i am happy...blissfully happy...when the car soars over the bridge.

i am inspired when i'm here. i have no worries when i'm here.

i feel blessed to have the opportunity to visit so often.

to share the experience with all of my friends.

to sit on the balcony and watch the pelicans swoop down into the sea.

to hear the waves lap on the shore.

feel the wind curl itself around me, play with my hair.

the salty sea air beckons me...

discovery #36

2010-06-23T17:53:00.000-05:00

the feel of rain on my face

how often as adults do we run from the rain? hide from it--under an umbrella, in our car, a jacket held over our head? like the wicked witch, it's as if we might melt if the liquid touches our skin...or god forbid, our hair! i am guilty of this myself...i carry an umbrella in my bag, have another in my car. i avoid starting a run if there is even a chance that it may interrupt me.

but today i had the chance to truly enjoy the feel of cool drops on my face. the tingle of a spring shower on my arms as i rode my bike along the lonely path. rather than cursing the clouds and peddling faster toward the safety of cover, i savored it. in childhood we delight in these events...splashing in the streets with the neighbor kids, pointing our faces to the heavens, spreading our arms to enjoy the moment.

i did that today. and it felt soooo good.

crazy days

2010-06-18T09:57:00.001-05:00

ah...the crazy days of summer...so many things to do, so little time. i have so much to say, yet no time to get it all out. i will just have speak through images until the show is over this weekend and i can breathe again. don't get me wrong...i love this crazy life (i created it!), but sometimes somethin's gotta give. enjoy...

i love how this installation turned out...a leftover album from the covers i used to paint on,